Dad-isms

DB Ryen

All those quirks about dads that make us cringe are also what we find so endearing.

Length: Medium, 1485 words

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

— Mark Twain

Dads are all the same. Doesn't matter what culture, period in history, or place on earth, they’re all about lame jokes, taking good care of the family as efficiently as possible, and making sure their kids don’t grow up wimpy.

With all their responsibilities, there’s not a lot of room left in those middle-aged brains to come up with witty remarks, so they just recycle all their standard quips for the duration of their fatherhood. So, like, forever. And it’s not just the corny comments that make kids roll their eyes, those annoying glances and mannerisms are just as bad.

Here are fifty of the best Dad-isms.

Holding broken pieces of anything: “They don’t make ’em like they used to.”

In response to a child asking him to buy something: “Well, your birthday’s coming up.”

If the birthday was within the last six months: “Well, Christmas is coming.”

Puts a french fry over his curled upper lip and pretends it’s a mustache.

Anytime it rains: “We needed this.”

Literally every time he gets up from the couch: groans, followed by a stretch and head/belly/butt scratch.

Snugs down the last tie down strap and plucks it like a guitar string. TWANG. “Well that’s not going anywhere.”

“I’m just resting my eyes.”

The stud finder beeps as he slides it across his chest: “Yep, found one.”

Struggling to carry anything: “It’s not heavy, just awkward.”

“When I was your age…”

“We didn’t even have ______ back in the day.”

Stories from his past are usually entertaining. Unfortunately, he always forgets he’s already told them all five times.

“Back when I was a kid…”

Sighs and eye rolls from everyone present.

A slight draft of cold air touches his feet, prompting him to twist around on the couch and shout, “Close that door! You’re letting all the warm air out!”

Passing a traffic jam in the other lane: “Glad we’re not going that way.”

“Hi hungry, I’m dad.”

This one never gets old. Unless you’re the hungry kid. In which case it’s been old since the first time you heard it. Like, a hundred times ago.

“Don’t make me pull over!”

Every dad has to have this exact conversation at least once per year or his fatherhood license will be revoked.

“How ya doing?”

“Oh you know, living the dream.”

Puts the vehicle into gear: “Let’s get this show on the road.”

Alternate: “Let’s rock and roll.”

Another alternate: “Let’s blow this popsicle stand.”

Yet another: "Let's make like a baby and head out."

You get the idea. They all start with "Let's..." followed by some random activity that has nothing to do with actual driving.

Anytime a child makes the wrong turn: “No, your other right.”

Talking to anybody washing a car: “Great job! Can you do mine next?”

In response to anybody selling/advertising/offering anything: “That’s how they get you.”

At least once per month: “Shhh, don’t tell your mom.”

“If you’re gonna do something, you might as well do it well.” Typically spoken after evaluating his children’s recent attempt at chores.

Child asks permission for literally anything: “What did your mom say?”

Getting sympathy from a dad can be like squeezing water from a rock. My dad used to rub two fingers together: “You know what this is? The world’s smallest violin playing Cry Me A River.”

Any minor injuries: “Your finger hurts? Let me get the axe…”

Or a dramatic, over-the-top reaction: “Man down! Medic! Transfuse two units stat!”

“Dad tax” as he takes a bite of your ice cream.

Any repair project visible from the street will soon attract every dad in the neighborhood, each with an opinion on what to do. Some might leave momentarily, but will always return with tools and/or other dads.

“I’m not asking, I’m telling you.”

At the cashier: “Well, what’s the damage?”

Winces when he hears the price. “Wowzers. I guess _____ isn’t getting any cheaper.”

In response to any child who panics because their seatbelt isn’t done up yet: “I’m just pulling out of the driveway.”

It doesn’t matter how much money he gives his kid: “Don’t spend it all in one place!”

“Seriously, Dad. It’s a quarter.”

Mom to baby: “Say Mama! Say Mama! Maaa-maaa.”

Baby: “Dada.”

Dad: [tries his best not to look so pleased]

The worst part of dad jokes is the awkward eye contact to see if anyone caught the joke.

After vacuuming the floor: “Honey, I’m sorry to say but this thing sucks.” Everyone looks away.

Waffles are being made: “Make sure you add extra ‘W’ or they’ll turn out just awful.” Groans. Teenage children will even lay their face directly on the counter to avoid the please-laugh-at-me look

The only solution is to incentivize children: dessert, borrowing the car, screen time, cash, whatever. After a couple rounds of forced laughter, dads will begin planning their stand-up comedy career.

Handing anything over to anyone: “She’s all yours.”

“Long time no see!” when they’ve seen the person within the last 24 hours.

Looking up at the sky, he’ll make a weather prediction like he has a PhD in meteorology. But dang it, he’s usually right!

Any movie quote from before his kids were born.

Agreeing with a plan: “Make it so, Number One.” [Star Trek]

Told to do anything: “As you wiiiiiissshhhh.” [Princess Bride]

Asked what he’s doing: “Just checking the specs for the rotary girder… I’m retarded.” [Tommy Boy]

Looking at any toilet: “What the.. I didn’t have any corn!” [Austin Powers]

Doing something he’ll later get in trouble for: “The first rule of cool stuff with your dad is YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT COOL STUFF WITH YOUR DAD.” [Fight Club-ish]

The films quoted always correspond to those released before he turned 20 (i.e. before his brain was permanently entrenched in the state he’d be forever).

When his wife worries about anything regarding their children’s potential safety: “I'm sure they’ll be fine.”

The cost of any upcoming family vacation is enough to cause any dad to rub his forehead, crack a beer, and stare blankly at the wall.

Any superhero movie from the last two decades: “It wasn’t bad, but I just couldn’t get over all the computery stuff.”

Blames every fart on someone else: kids, the dog, his wife (if she’s out of earshot).

Complete amazement when his wife pulls the mayo out of the refrigerator right in front of his eyes. “I can’t… I mean… how… I looked there!”

Someone comes back inside because they forgot something: “That was quick! How did it go?”

Unless it was the car keys. In which case, he’ll hold them up and say, “Can’t get very far without these.”

Wandering around the house switching off lights and muttering under his breath.

Hands in pockets, kicking the tire of his child’s car: “Still running okay?”

Rummaging through the junk drawer/toolbox: “Wait! I knew this would come in handy one day!”

The greatest accomplishment of any dad is producing that obscure part they’ve been saving for years. The special moment is promptly reported to all of their dad friends. Congratulations all round.

While barbecuing with his children, there’s always a lengthy explanation of which sections of the grill are hotter/cooler: “So rotate the meat accordingly.”

God forbid you walk beyond arms reach of the barbecue while there’s something cooking. He’ll literally lose his mind and immediately rip the tongs out of your hand.

Also, it’s generally agreed that if a dad doesn’t click his tongs twice before opening the lid of a barbecue, a flaming asteroid will smash into the house and kill everyone.

Threatening to do something horribly embarrassing in front of their kids’ friends, whether as punishment or just for fun.

Trying hard not to cry at the end of a sappy movie, to the point that he’ll get up and walk away rather than shed a single tear. "Just gonna go _______ [obscure task]. Sniff."

This is the absolute worst, probably because it’s so true. After listening to excuses about being too busy: “If you want something bad enough, you’ll make time for it.”

“Dad, can you give me a hand?”

[starts clapping]

SUMMARY

If there’s anything all dads have in common, it’s the belief that their kids can do anything. It might result in sutures, or a limb in a cast, but that won’t shake a dad’s confidence.

So, when their kid has that not-so-sure-about-this look on their face ahead of something daunting – riding a bike, getting subbed into a big game, moving away to college – every dad has the same response: two quick pats on the back, one-second shoulder rub, and “You got this.”

He’ll be right behind them – shouting, cheering, biting his knuckles, making promises to God – anything to help his kid succeed.

Thanks dads. Despite your annoying dad-isms, we wouldn’t be here without you.

PS. Please stop the waffle joke.